Jr. High Can Kill Your Child
September 16, 2011 •
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by Michele Bachmann
With all this fuss over my proclamation that the HPV vaccine causes mental retardation, I neglected to add that sending your child to junior high school may cause them to have severe brain hemorrhaging, leading to death, or worse.
Once your child has completed the sixth grade, he or she no longer has a compelling need to go to school. Besides, requiring your child to complete 12 years of education is unconstitutional, and when I’m President, I will eliminate this socialist mandate. Parents should be the ones making these decisions, not the government.
If your child acquires too much information, their little brains simply cannot contain it all. It spills out of their ears into little pools of knowledge, which are swept away into storm drains and out to sea, undetected by a defunded EPA. The more education your child has, the less effective the Tea Party-sponsored political ads are. If there’s two things we need our children to believe in, it’s the Christian bible and anything the Koch Brothers want them to believe.
Although I did receive my university degree, my education ceased once I got into the seventh grade. To this day, I can’t do long division or Sodoku. Your kids may not be so lucky.
In addition, studies have shown that as they get smarter, your children are more likely to become Democrats — or Jews. Why should the government spend your hard earned money on turning out a bunch of tax-and-spend liberals who won’t pick up the tab when they invite you out to dinner. Would you rather your kid be a Rabbi or a missionary? A scientist with NASA or TeaParty sign-holder? The choice is yours.
I say, let’s keep our children innocent and stupid, and filled to capacity with plenty of malignant cervical cancer cells, just as God intended.
It’s good for the economy.
