My Virgin Eyes
Dear Editor:
I am a college student who recently saw his first female vagina. It was an illustration in a text book for a health course. It made me very upset.
But what I really want to know is, will this condemn me to hell, forever, like the Jews?
P.S. I am not married. Does this still constitute adultery?
—— William Z.
Twin Falls, MT
(Ed’s Note: This question is above our pay scale. We have referred your question to our good friend, Pat Robertson. His response follows.)
There is still some debate as to what actually constitutes “Adultery,” aside from the obvious definition. Is merely thinking about it a lascivious act?
Hearing about it? Watching it? Feeling it? Smelling it? Do I dare say: touching it?
Where does one draw the line? Some factions contend that merely thinking about the word “s-x” would be a manifestation of adulterous behavior. As far as the picture you have seen, it sounds like you’re in no real danger of eternal damnation, but it would all depend on the exactness of the reproduction of the vag-na.
For example, does it depict the clit-ris? P-bic hair? Be honest, was there a p-nis in the shot? Also, for how long did you look at the picture? And where were your hands? Were you masturb-ting at the time? And who were you thinking of while you were doing it? Was it a sexy young movie starlet, or an aging man of God who might look something like me. If you have any doubts at all, I suggest you contact a local minister for counseling.
If you don’t have a local minister, I’d be happy to spend a few minutes with you behind closed doors. No need to bring the whole text book with you — just the pictures.
Good luck,
Pat
Previous Letters
Black Sheep Now White
Dear Editor:
One night, about fifteen years ago, I came home from a business trip and found my thirteen-year old son, Kevin, reading a copy of Penthouse Magazine.
My wife and I, in an attempt to purify and cleanse our home, banished the boy from our house and family forever. Satisfied that we had removed the stain of sin from our home, we had resumed our lives, and have since given birth to three beautiful children with Christian values.
Last week I came across some startling news: Kevin has become a very successful businessman. He is married and has a wonderful family and a large house. He has been donating large sums of money to charities and is currently running for Congress.
Now, I was under the impression, mainly from reading your website, that materials like Penthouse would wreak havoc on an individual, condemning him to a life of sin and crime.
If this is so, then why has Kevin been so successful?
— Martin Fluffer,
Chicago, Ill
Ed’s Response:
Don’t be fooled by outward appearances. Your son could be a latent homosexual or a Democrat — or both. Becuase you spent so little time with him, you’ll probably never know.
Failure to Communicate, a Success
Dear Editor:
I’ve read and re—read your article “Eliminating Language” time after time. It’s truly wonderful and inspirational.
I just can’t help but wonder why nobody ever thought of this unique approach to unifying humanity before.
Keep up the good work.
– Mrs. L. Whishlo
Trenton, NJ
On the Street Where ’They’ Live
Dear Editor:
My husband and I recently bought an attractive house in a clean neighborhood. Imagine our surprise when, after only a few days, we discovered this was one of those “integrated” neighborhoods you hear so much about from the liberal controlled media.
We are living next to Blacks, Jews, Italians, Hispanics and an elderly couple from China.
On top of that, most of them are not even Christians, especially the Jews. Needless to say, we were very upset with our real estate broker, who never informed of this racial and ethnic “mix.” When we threatened her with a lawsuit, she replied with some cockamamie story about equal housing ordinances and anti-discrimination laws and real estate codes of ethics and yaddi, yaddi, yada.
I am ashamed to admit it, but my husband and I have now started to associate with these people, and are really enjoying it. What a truly grand and enlightening experience it is to assimilate with human beings from different backgrounds and cultures. Our problem is this: should we take it upon ourselves to convert these people? Should we try to accept them for who they are? Or should we avoid them altogether?
— Mrs. P.T.Q. Birmingham, Alabama
Ed’s reply:
Yours is a sticky situation indeed. While multi-cultural lifestyles are not condoned by this publication, many in similar situations are able to live full and productive lives. Until we can change some of the antiquated fair housing laws in this country, there is very little — aside from burning crosses on their front lawns — that you can do. We suggest you stay inside and study the bible. Then you will have no need to associate with non-Christians.
P.S. Perhaps you can send along the name of the street on which you live. If we can prevent others from making the same mistake, it will truly be a blessing.
Muffins in the Oven
Dear Editor:
I am hosting a Right-to Life party, and I lost your recipe for Fetus-Shaped Cupcakes. Could you please reprint it for me?
—— Mrs. K.
Long Beach, CA
Ed’s Reply:
Glad to help. Check out this month’s article by Sharron Angle: “Baking for the Bible Belt.”
President Obama’s Feces Faces Opposition
Dear Editor:
I heard that President Barack Hussein Obama wants to force Americans to eat their own feces, as part of his plan to turn us all into Muslims. This will never happen in my household. We are proud to say we shovel our own feces and bury it way beyond the trailer park, where no one will ever find it.
— Sam L.
Clearbush, AL
Purity and Marriage
Dear Editor:
I am eight-years-old. I liked your interview with Bristol Palin [Don’t Talk To Boys Until You’re Married or Have Given Birth to his Child]. It made a lot of sense, and I want to stay pure for my wedding night. That is why I’ve started talking more to girls. It is fun that way, and besides, they are softer than boys and cook better.
— Cindy L.
Osh Kosh, Wisc.
